The House

I love Connor dearly, and he’s worth every penny I paid for him. But here’s the world’s most expensive dog, from the Guardian, which provided the hilarious commentary. This is a Tibetan Mastiff.Age: As a breed, ancient; in dog years, incalculable.

Appearance: Oversized plush toy, fresh from being washed and dried with a Manchester United jersey.

Funny looking lion. That's because it's a dog.

Cute, though. How much for one of them? One million pounds.

A million! What's it made of? It's a dog. It's made of dog.

You mean that thing is real? Yes. He's Hong Dong (meaning "big splash"), an 11-month-old red Tibetan mastiff who was recently bought by a Chinese coal baron for 10m yuan (£945,000), making him the world's most expensive dog.

What's the world's second most expensive dog? Another Tibetan mastiff called Red Lion was valued at £915,000 last year.

Inflation, that's what it is. Perhaps, but Hong Dong has been described as a perfect specimen, and should be able to command stud fees of up to £10,000 a go.

Sounds like a business I should get into. Can I borrow a million quid? I'll get it straight back to you. In Britain, alas, Tibetan mastiff puppies sell for less than £1,000.

Why do people want these giant red dogs in the first place? They're considered holy and rather auspicious. Tibetans believed them to be the reincarnated souls of monks and nuns.

What else? For a million quid, there must be something else. Well, they're meant to be good with children.

Unless it can drive them to school, I'm not interested. Actually, even if it can I'm not interested. It seems that in China the breed has become something of a status symbol among the super-rich, a trend that has driven up prices.

I'm guessing they're also quite expensive to run. They do eat a lot. Tibetan Mastiffs have been known to reach 20 stone (280 lbs). And they live rather a long time, up to 14 years.

Do say: "Fetch boy! Fetch up to £10,000 per lady-visit, and quick!"

It wasn’t all hideous boots at Cheltenham today. It was ladies day and gorgeous hats were in evidence. Unlike Ascot, which is run in the summer, Cheltenham is in early spring, and let me tell you from experience, it can get pretty chilly standing at the rails at Cheltenham or Chepstow cheering on your sure-thing bet.

I love the detail on the sleeves of this coat, and the pink, of course! I’d love to see the bird that gave its feathers for this hat! However, I don’t think there’s any excuse for wearing a dead animal on your head. But bundling up like a character from Downton Abbey is a good idea. Classic and timeless. Tally Ho!

This is Georgian graciousness in historic Helston town centre. For £485,000 you get ornate arched windows and fireplaces, cornicing and alcoves, which glorify large wood-floored rooms. There are four bedrooms, with room for a fifth in the vast attic. It’s just a shame, or not, depending on your preference, that folk dancers cavort through the house once a year as part of the ancient Furry Dance. The origins of the dance are certainly pre-Christian and are connected with ancient spring festivals all over Europe. The youngest children start in the morning, and they wear the flower symbolic of their primary school.  Mid-day, invited guests dance in top hats, tails and gowns. At the end of the day, there’s the dance for everyone… all wearing a lily of the valley to symbolize the arrival of spring in Cornwall, just as they’ve done for hundreds of years. I think I’d take the house anyway. After all, it’s only once a year.